Someone has control issues at work. Ice cream freezer with only a handful of Popsicles left.. locked up. Gotta protect those popsicles from popsicle predators, I guess. 

“This is how you get unstuck.. You reach. Not so you can walk away from [someone] you loved, but so you can live the life that is yours - the one that includes this sad loss, but is not arrested by it. The one that eventually leads you to a place in which you not only grieve [him] but also feel lucky to have had the privilege of loving. That place of true healing is a fierce place. It’s a giant place. It’s a place of monstrous beauty and endless dark and glimmering light. And you have to work really, really, really hard to get there, but you can do it. You’re a woman who can travel that far. I know it. Your ability to get there is evident to me..”

- Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

Rachel, I love you so, so much.. an immeasurable amount. Mom and Dad do too. It’s not happening to us with the intensity that it’s happening to you.. but it’s still happening in it’s own way. I pray everyday that my pain can somehow ease the pain you and Steven’s family are feeling. 

You get to lead a fulfilled, wonderful, happy, life.. it will be a wonderful life, though, with this terrible and unspeakable thing that happened. Let your heart feel that pain and loss and picture it growing bigger and stronger. **The grief will stay the same size, your heart will just be bigger to hold the grief and love. I love you.

*Thought taken from an interview with Ana Marquez-Greene’s mother, who died at Sandy Hook.

Nothing like checking out your own butt in the bathroom mirror and having your co-worker [who you’ve never met] walk in.

Struggles

It hasn’t been a great couple of months, and this past week has just been so ick, too. I haven’t been to the gym 8 days, I am so bored and uninspired with work, and feel like i have fallen out of contact with my girlfriends. The weather certainly isn’t helping, either. I keep telling myself.. tomorrow I will snap out of it. Tomorrow, I will get out of this funk. And tomorrow comes and goes and the funk is still here.

Jacob asked me if I have ever considered free lance writing. Even though a part of me still identifies as a writer.. or someone who enjoys to write, my actions just aren’t there. I haven’t update this blog in weeks, and when I do it is pretty much just fluff. I’ve read two books so far this year, and that is probably already half of what I read last year.

My body continues to consume my thoughts, even after working so hard these past two months to gain a new perspective. Exercise for mental health, not to lose weight. Eat when you’re hungry no matter what. I’ve been cutting up strawberries and dividing blueberries into sandwich bags and chopping up peppers. When I wanted dessert, I ate dessert. I make homemade meals almost every night so I know what is in my food. And then I weighed myself over the weekend, and all the unhealthy thoughts and habits have just made their way back into my routine this week. I guess my brain has muscle memory.